


he sleeps alone, my heart wants to come home

by halfwayinit



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M, Sort Of, alternate universe - coming back from the dead, ballum halloween, mentions of character death/grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:41:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27305026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwayinit/pseuds/halfwayinit
Summary: ben is struggling to live without callum. but, on all hallow's eve, callum returns to help him move on.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 19
Kudos: 55





	he sleeps alone, my heart wants to come home

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello!! this is my contribution for ballum halloween :)  
> this fic does contain mentions of character death and grief, so if that's something that isn't for you then please don't read!
> 
> however if you do read then i hope you enjoy, and also i hope that i don't depress the life out of you with this!

Grief is a funny thing, Ben thinks. 

Some days, he feels like the crushing weight on his chest lifts slightly and he can breathe a little bit easier than he has been the last few months. The world doesn’t seem so dull, and he even lets himself believe that one day he might be okay again. He’ll smile again and it won’t be forced, his eyes won’t sting with tears at every mention of Callum’s name, he’ll heal. Slowly, but surely, his heart will heal and he’ll remember what true happiness feels like.

Other days, he feels like his life has lost all it’s meaning. He can’t lift his head from the pillow, his heart is so hard and heavy with grief that Ben’s sure he’ll never see the light again. Those days are long. They feel endless and empty, like he’s floating through life, just existing and not living. It’s those days that he seems to be having a lot more lately, missing Callum more than ever before as time passes on without him.

Ben misses Callum with every piece of him, misses him so much it hurts. He would give anything to wake up next to him just one more time, to feel Callum’s strong arms wrapped tight around him, body radiating that familiar warmth as he presses a sleep-soft kiss to the nape of Ben’s neck, breath tickling the sensitive skin there. To have one more of those mornings, all those he’d taken for granted, he’d give everything.

One thing he’s been told too many times since Callum’s funeral is how time will help him heal. 

It’ll get easier with time.

You’ll be okay.

Time heals everything.

Life without Callum, it hasn’t gotten any easier. Ben’s accepted that it never will. All those people trying to convince him that he’ll be okay, they want to help him, to see him move on with his life and start to truly live again. But their words don’t help, they don’t help to heal the aching wounds of his heart. They don’t comfort him when he lies awake at night, begging a God he doesn’t believe in to take away the pain in his heart. Words are just that, words. 

If it wasn’t for Lexi, Ben’s sure he would have completely given up. His daughter is his little shining light in all the darkness, his reason to keep going when he wants to give up. 

She’s been brilliant the last few months, managing to cheer her dad up even though she misses Callum just as much as he does. He was an amazing father figure in Lexi’s life, and Ben will always be grateful that Lexi got to experience being loved by Callum. It was obvious how much they adored each other, Lexi always asking for Callum to read her bedtime stories or convincing him to take her for ice cream in the dead of winter. They were thick as thieves, playfully ganging up on Ben at every opportunity. 

Lexi talks about him a lot, promising her dad that she’ll never forget him. She always makes sure to hug Ben extra tight as she leaves too, ‘For Callum’ she tells him.

As much as it makes Ben smile to know how much his daughter loved Callum, it also breaks his heart to know that he won’t be there to share so many important moments with them. He won’t be there to wave her off on her first day of high school, to help her heal from her first heartbreak, to move her into her uni halls, or to see her walk down the aisle.

Tonight, Ben’s locked himself away from the world. One of Callum’s old grey hoodies keeping him warm as he huddles beneath the duvet, ignoring the doorbell as trick-or-treaters refuse to take the hint of the entire house being in darkness. He can’t face it, opening up the door to the little ones all dressed up and acting like his entire world isn’t crumbling around him. 

He’s already been round Lola and Jay’s to see Lexi in her costume, taking a few pictures to embarrass her with when she’s older, but also to make him laugh on his bad days. Lexi’s insisted on going trick-or-treating dressed up as Carole Baskin, head to toe in leopard print with a toy tiger around her shoulders for good measure. Lola tried to convince her to go as a witch or zombie, but Lexi insisted that she’d have the best costume if she went as Carole Baskin, and Ben couldn’t help but agree with her. Seeing Lexi so happy and full of pure childish happiness, it eased the pain for a while. 

Now, Ben feels his eyes grow heavy, days of not sleeping finally catching up on him. He pulls the hood up over his head as he settles down against the pillows, welcoming sleep with open arms. 

When Ben slowly blinks awake a few hours later to someone gently shaking his shoulders, he’s sure he must still be dreaming. He dreams of Callum almost every night, the nights where he actually sleeps, and each morning he wakes with an ache worse than before to hold him just one more time. But tonight it feels different, he’s not dreaming that they’re sitting side by side in the Vic or laying tangled up on the couch with a movie on in the background. They’re in their bedroom, the glow from the streetlights outside illuminating them in a soft orange light as Callum perches himself on the edge of the bed. 

Callum’s hand comes to caress Ben’s cheek, fingers soft as they move along his face, the stubble on his cheeks scratching gently at his skin. He looks exactly as Ben remembers him, blue eyes shining beautiful and bright in the darkness of the night, a sweet smile spreading across his lips as Ben blinks up at him. 

“I’ve missed you so much, Ben.” Callum whispers, “I can’t believe I’m here.”

It feels so real, more real than any other dream he’s had like this has felt. If Ben didn’t know better he’d think he was awake, that Callum was sitting right there in front of him, sitting there on the edge of their bed as if he’d never been gone. 

Ben reaches out to pull Callum down to him, taking in how warm he feels, Callum’s face pressed into the side of Ben’s neck as he rests atop him. God, Ben’s imagining that he can even smell him, his natural scent filling the space between them. It’s so vivid, every touch feels like it’s setting his soul on fire, it makes him feel alive.

Ben’s heart aches then with how much he wants this to be real, how much he wishes this wasn’t a dream. 

“I wish this could be real.” Ben chokes out, feeling that familiar lump of emotion in his throat, willing the tears away as he begs his body not to wake him up. Let him bask in this feeling for just a little longer, don’t send him back to reality just yet. 

Callum pulls back from Ben’s embrace, face turning solemn as he looks down at him. He reaches for Ben’s hand, fingers gripping tight. He looks nervous almost, taking a second to breathe deep before he speaks.

“This is real Ben, I promise you. I’m here.” 

Ben slowly sits up in the bed, hand never leaving Callum’s grasp as he tries to make sense of what he’s just been told. How could this be real? It’s just his subconscious playing out something that he longs to be true, that has to be it. But, if that’s the case, why does it feel so real? He’s had a hundred dreams of Callum being with him and none of them have ever felt like this.

Callum can practically hear Ben’s mind working at a million miles an hour, and he gently squeezes Ben’s hand until he looks up at him, blue eyes filling with tears at the entire situation.

“It’s All Hallow’s Eve.” Callum starts, hoping he can explain this in a way that doesn’t completely terrify his boyfriend.

“The veil between this world and.. where I am.. it lifts almost, to let spirits back to earth for this one night. I wasn’t going to try and cross over, but then I saw how bad you were hurting Ben and I thought it might help you to-”

Callum doesn’t get to finish what he’s saying before Ben is crashing into him, burying his face into the side of Callum’s neck and trying to pull him in impossibly closer to his body. Callum can feel Ben’s tears falling onto his skin as he tries to take in what’s actually happening. He doesn’t rush Ben or try to get him to speak, instead he rubs soothing shapes into the small of Ben’s back whilst his other hand rests in his mop of brown hair.

When Ben finally pulls back, just enough that they’re face to face, his eyes are red-rimmed and still shining with tears, but he’s biting back a smile. His hands are shaking still as he cups Callum’s cheeks, eyes taking in every inch of the face that he’s been missing all these months. 

The silence between them now, it isn’t like the unbearable quiet that Ben’s been experiencing lately. It feels different, intimate, the way everything always has with Callum.

“I can’t believe you’re here” Ben breathes out a shaky breath as he speaks, “I- I have so much I want to say and now that you’re here in front of me I can't think of a single thing other than I miss you, and I love you so much Cal.”

“I love you Ben, more than I’ve ever loved anyone. That’s why I’m here, so we can say goodbye properly and you can start to live again.”

Ben looks like he wants to protest, but he says nothing. Instead he gently presses their foreheads together, asking how much time they have. If they don’t have long, he isn’t going to waste it by telling Callum how he can’t possibly live life properly without him.

“We’ve got until sunrise” Callum says, slowly standing up from the bed and stretching out his hand for Ben to take, “So, how about a walk down memory lane?” 

\---

It’s late, Ben can tell by the lack of people on the Square, everyone long gone home to bed after a night of Halloween celebrations. The streetlights light the way as they walk hand in hand, Ben content to follow Callum’s lead as they pass by various buildings. It’s been so long since Ben’s had a hand in his, it makes him feel grounded, no longer in that state of floating like he was becoming so used to. 

Ben almost laughs when he realises where Callum has brought them to. He wasn’t lying when he said he wanted to walk down memory lane. 

They sit side by side on one of the park benches, shoulders brushing one another's as they let themselves be brought back to that night. 

The two of them meeting here in secret, Callum being so broken and confused about who he was and what he wanted, Ben finally seeing past the walls that had been built up. It was intense, everything with them always was, but that night.. Ben felt like he’d been set alight. Callum was never just a random hookup, he’d already clawed his way into Ben’s heart and made himself a home there before the night was over. 

“I was going to propose to you here.” Ben says suddenly, breaking the peaceful silence between them. He’s staring out in front of him, not wanting to see Callum’s reaction. “I had it all planned out in my head. Was gonna bring you here and have it all romantic with fairy lights and a picnic, no champagne though ‘cause we ain’t posh enough for that, just some bottles of your favourite poncy beer. Figured it was the perfect place seen as this is where it all started.”

Ben stops himself when he can feel the tears gathering at his lash line, desperately trying to blink them away before they can fall. He’d found the perfect ring too, just a plain silver band, nothing too flashy, just perfect for Callum. But, he never got the chance to buy it. Ben gives himself a moment to get his breathing back right before he has the courage to look over at Callum, biting down on his lip and feeling like it’s their first date all over again, butterflies flying low in his stomach.

Callum’s smiling, one of those private smiles that he only ever had for Ben, and it’s taking over his face as he looks across at him. He looks like it’s taking everything in him not to close the space between them and capture Ben’s lips in his. As much as he wants to, he needs Ben to know that being his husband was everything he ever wanted. 

“I would’ve said yes.” Callum says, relishing in the way his words make a deep flush spread across Ben’s cheeks. 

“You’re everything I ever wanted, Ben. You could have asked me to marry you in bed on a Sunday morning and I would have said yes.”

Ben can’t stop himself then, needing to be close to the man he loves so much. When their lips touch, it almost makes Ben shiver at how good it feels, Callum’s tongue slipping into his mouth between open-mouthed kisses, Ben’s breathy moans slipping out into the night air.

Callum pulls Ben onto his lap, neither of them willing to part just yet. It’s like that first night in the park all over again, the two of them too wrapped up in each other to care about the fact that they’re in public, one step away from being caught at any moment. The thrill of being so close to Callum, his mouth moving from Ben’s to press wet kisses along his neck, it’s almost enough to make him come undone.

“Can ghosts have sex?” Ben whispers, almost laughing at how ridiculous he sounds, the question not exactly something he’d thought about before.

Callum pulls back from where he’s sucking a deep red mark into the side of Ben’s throat, eyes darkened with lust and want. His hands find their way to Ben’s hips, fingers slipping between the waistband of his pants. 

“Let’s find out.”

\---

As the moon begins to lower in the sky, Ben’s silently begging it to give them more time, not ready to say goodbye just yet. As much as he was content to stay longer in the park, they’re hand in hand now again as they make their way back to the flat, Callum voicing his concern that Ben will freeze to death if they stay out much longer.

“What you tryna say?” Ben asks, knocking their elbows together, “You don’t want me joining you over there?”

Callum takes a second before he answers, knowing a part of Ben is serious despite trying to cover it as a joke. As much as he’s enjoying being back, he doesn’t want this to set Ben back, completely the opposite in fact. 

“Absolutely not.” he says, fingers squeezing Ben’s, “I don’t wanna see you joining me for at least another 60 years, you hear me? I want you to be old and grey, but not bald..so let’s hope you didn’t inherit that gene from your dad.”

His words make Ben laugh, a proper belly laugh that has Callum joining in with him, the two of them shushing each other then after in an attempt to not wake half the Square. 

“Okay, okay. You’ve got yourself a deal, Highway.”

The conversation shifts then, the two of them reminiscing as they make their way past the places that hold so many memories for them. 

“Remember the time you got yourself locked in The Albert toilets?” Callum giggles, remembering how frantic Ben was on the phone, Callum struggling to hear what he was saying over the sound of The Venga Boys blaring out from the speakers. 

It was only when Ben had been gone for about twenty minutes that Callum decided to go looking for him, finding him stuck in the small space between the cubicle and the floor, face red from a mix of embarrassment and frustration. Callum genuinely thought he was going to wet himself laughing when Ben had to admit that he couldn’t fit his arse through the gap so he just gave up and waited for Callum to eventually find him.

“Oi” Ben laughs, remembering all too well how Callum had to pull him out, “Not my fault I’m built like a Kardashian is it!” 

“Lucky for you that your Prince Charming came and rescued you.”

Yeah, Ben thinks, lucky indeed.

  
\---

They’re back huddled beneath the duvet in their bed now, too aware of how the sky is beginning to lighten outside the window, sunrise getting closer and closer. Ben’s resting his head on Callum’s chest, savouring the way Callum’s fingers are threading gently through his hair, soothing him to the brink of sleep. He hasn’t felt this content in too long, body fully relaxing into Callum’s embrace.

Callum breaks the silence between them after a while, knowing that his time left is fading quicker than he wants it to, and he needs to hear Ben promise him one thing.

“Promise me you’ll carry on” Callum whispers, still working his fingers through Ben’s hair, “I want you to be happy. You deserve it, even when you don’t think you do. All I want is for you to live a long and happy life, Ben. Promise me.”

Ben nods, feeling tears fall from his eyes and soaking Callum’s t-shirt beneath him. As much as he’s convinced himself he’ll never be happy again, he knows Callum wouldn’t ask him to promise if he didn’t truly believe that Ben could live without him. Knowing that, it somehow makes it easier and harder at the same time.

Ben moves in the bed until they’re laying face to face, his hand coming to cup Callum’s cheek the way it has a million times before. His eyes take in every inch of Callum’s face, memorising it for the nights when nothing but this moment will comfort him.

“I promise.” Ben whispers, willing his words to pass the lump in his throat before it’s too late, “I love you so much.”

Callum kisses Ben then, just a soft and gentle press of their lips as he leans their foreheads together. There are tears in his own eyes too, threatening to fall at any moment, Callum willing himself to stay strong, not wanting their final moments to be full of sorrow. 

“I love you Ben, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I will always love you.”

As the night fades to morning, Ben allows his eyes to close, the heat radiating from Callum’s embrace is enough to lull him into a deep and comforting sleep. 

When he dreams of Callum that night, it doesn’t fill him with sadness like it usually does. Instead, it brings him solace to see Callum walk towards a stunning white light in the distance, a light that somehow seems to emit warmth despite it’s overwhelming brightness, a warmth that reminds Ben of Callum. 

As Callum disappears into the light, he turns to face Ben, hands moving in a way that Ben recognises immediately. Callum’s signing to him, the way he has so many times before.

_I love you._

_Forever._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!  
> please let me know what you thought, comments are always welcome <3
> 
> come find me on tumblr @ halfwayinit


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